I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize