I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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