I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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