Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
