If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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