I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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