There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
In America we eat man semen.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
