I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
