i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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