How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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