between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
