Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
