would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
