He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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