The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Randomize
