The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
