I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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