your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
