i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
