The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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