I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
handjob tips. give me some.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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