When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
