im drinking this country out of the recession.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
They took my balls.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
