How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
