I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
