He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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