I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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