It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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