i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know her cup size but not her name....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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