it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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