yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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