My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
