I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
