is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
