i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize