I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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