I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
