I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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