I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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