Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
