Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
