Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
