I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
