Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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