I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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