I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
