I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
only you would photoshop your dick
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You made out with two different species that night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
