I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize