Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
