just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You're like the curious george of whores
Semen is not good for contacts.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
