ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
