why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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