Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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