Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
