Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
