new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize