Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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