Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
