seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize