I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
