he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
