Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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