he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My vagina just recognized that song.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
