cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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