Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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