smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
