We're like a lot better than the average bears
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
