I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
