dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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